As some of you may already know, at 41, I am pregnant with my first baby. As this is a particularly miraculous unending human journey of growing and being touched by life, I would like to share with you, some of my personal unfolding journey so far.
About 2 years ago, I had given up any hope of having a baby in this life. Although I had never really been one of those women who needed to have a whole family of children, I did always have a very physical longing to live out the biological purpose of this female body. Month after month, cycle after cycle, this body prepares to grow a baby, and then grieves over the loss of another egg. It is the natural process that is such an integral part of being a woman. However, it took years, and several painful relationships, before I could really acknowledge that longing, as there was a lot of old fear and pain around it. But as time went by, and it didn’t look like it was going to happen, I grieved deeply, and somehow the longing seemed to fall away.
Even to take one step backwards, I had given up hope of ever being with a man who could really meet me as a woman, but also as a friend and life partner. Life seems to work that way, just when all hope was lost and I was perfectly satisfied with the life of being a single woman who was self-sufficient and happy, out of nowhere, I was showered with the gift of this beautiful man. Neither of us were looking for, or needing a relationship, so we were both a little suspicious of how good it was at first. In the first days and weeks we did our best to challenge each other with all our past painful wounds and longings, and found that there was space for it all to be felt and heard in love and laughter. This in itself has been, and endlessly continues to be, very healing.
Exactly a year later, in exactly the same place in Portugal, we discovered that I was pregnant. It is almost as if life was playing at being as synchronistic as it could. People have asked whether this pregnancy was planned, and the answer to that is yes and no. We were both open to it, but were not really trying to make it happen. We jokingly said ‘we leave it up to the gods’. And the gods (whoever they are), decided.
Robert already has two lovely grown-up sons in their twenties from a previous relationship, and was not looking to have more children. However, he surprised himself, as to how open he was to having another child now. Over the years, he has in himself, matured, relaxed and opened to life more and more, and is not so stressed and worried about all the practical details, and ‘doing it right’, compared to how he was in the past. In his words, ‘this baby is just welcome’.
We have some loose plans about how it might unfold, but both Robert and I are simply living in awe of the unfolding of life in this journey into the unknown. Although of course women have been doing this for thousands of years, to me it is completely unknown, not only because it is my first baby, but also because it is always, and always will be, unknown and fresh.
At 16 weeks, I am feeling all kinds of new and previously unknown subtle and not so subtle physical sensations. I have always been very sensitive to what is happening in my body and especially to the subtle changes in my menstrual cycle. Being pregnant is just an extension to that. The body is doing what it is programmed to do and it has nothing to do with ‘me’ or what I might think about it. It seems to be a process of surrender and letting go in such a deep physical way. It is a wonder and amazement to watch it all happen.
In the first couple weeks of pregnancy I felt a tremendous amount of energy in my belly area. It was so powerful and overwhelming that it often kept me awake at night. The energy had the flavour of the greatest creative and destructive force of Life and Death. I had never experienced it so obviously in such a physical way before that. Although I do remember when I was at the birth of my niece, when I first walked into the room where my sister was in labour, I was shocked and intimidated by this same powerful energy that filled the room. Now this same energy was working in such focused way in my womb. All I could do was lie down and surrender to it.
In the first few weeks, although I knew I was pregnant, at the same time it didn’t feel real. I felt all the strange sensations of fullness, and energy in my belly, but I couldn’t relate it to an actual person growing inside there. I started reading about the physical stages of pregnancy, and I knew logically that there was a tiny embryo growing inside there, but all I could really know and trust, as ever, was my direct experience: Sensations happening. Thoughts struggling to compute what it all means, and to try to label what is happening in order to provide a (false) sense of security. A growing intuitive sense that it is all happening perfectly as it should be. And a knowing of the beginning of a new, and yet strangely ancient, journey into the unknown.
As the weeks have gone on so far, my belly is growing and becoming more and more obvious. I have felt more of a sense of a new life growing in me, although still not feeling it as being separate from me. I have on many occasions found myself talking to it or soothing it in noisy or uncomfortable situations. In a way, it is similar to how I might self-sooth the child that I am and have always been. There is no real separation between the child I am and the child I am apparently carrying in my womb.
We have now had our first ultrasound scan where we actually saw the baby moving around, waving it’s arms and even crossing its legs. It was such a heartbreakingly touching moment to actually see the image of the baby in there. The doctors have said that everything looks healthy as far as they can see at this stage. They mentioned a long list of possible problems and possible tests for possible problems. Although we are not being purposely close-minded to these possibilities, we are also not wanting to blindly take on the fears of others. People have so many fear-based opinions about pregnancy, the fact that I am a bit older than usual, birth and raising children. We are both doing our best to side-step these opinions and face the reality of it all as it comes step by step.
I don’t know what I am doing, but I live in wonder, surrender and gratitude to life as it unfolds.
Unmani, 26/11/2014
www.die-to-love.com
