The reality of Life is one paradox after another. We will never understand it no matter how hard we try. Recognizing that I am Nothing is not the whole picture, just as recognizing that I am Everything is not it either. It is both, absolutely simultaneously – and that just doesn’t make any sense. It seems that Nothing longs to play as Everything, Emptiness loves to be filled with something, no-one loves to play as someone, Oneness loves to dance as if there are two. And between these two sides of the paradox, runs Thought, that tries to explain it all. It seems that the nature of Thought is to be the longing or love song from Nothing to Everything; continually attempting to explain or describe the way it is. Nothing loving to express itself in this way and that. The song of nonduality to duality, of Death to Life, no time to the evolution in time…
Our thoughts would so love to understand it all and be able to conclude that life is like this or that. We long for something to hang our hat onto, so that we can know our own limits. We look everywhere in life to find answers to our deepest question ‘Who am I?’ We look for walls to bounce off against so that we can know ourselves. Without these boundaries, we find ourselves to be so unlimited and undefined. It can seem terrifying to live without limits and definitions. But paradoxically we see again and again that definitions and answers do not permanently fit who we are. Eventually we either are compelled to break free of them, or life provides a situation where we are faced with the realization that what we have believed to be certain, was in fact simply a belief and nothing more. As soon as we think we have understood something, life throws us a curve ball and we realise that it’s not like that. Sometimes it takes some big drama for us to let go of our old beliefs and sometimes there is more of a willingness to keep seeing. But inevitably at some point we see that who we thought we were, was not what we thought. Again and again we free-fall into not finding the answers, into not knowing what it all means, why it is all happening, or who it is happening to…
Seeing more and more that we can not define who or what we are, we start to see that there is nothing and no one really here living a life. This can be radically shocking when it is first recognised or acknowledged. There can be an experience of ‘awakening’ to reality beyond thought. At first life can be experienced very differently in contrast to the way it was before, but eventually this becomes the way life is. In fact after a while thought can start to turn that experience, and what it meant, into a new belief or conclusion about ‘me’ that is restrictive and limited again. A new more ‘awakened’ or more ‘nondual’ comfort zone has been created. Thought can be so sneaky because it feels so cosy and comfortable to believe in something conclusively. It is usually extremely uncomfortable to keep seeing that anything you think you know is simply a thought. The reality is that there is nowhere to stand and nothing to hold onto – ever.
There is no final conclusion. There is no final awakening. There is no point at which thought will be able to say ‘I have arrived’. The paradox is that although it is all absolutely complete right now just as it is, time seems to continue to unfold and with it there seems to be a continual evolution. There is no time, and yet there certainly appears to be time. There is no one here, and yet life goes on as if there is. There is nothing happening, and yet here, this is all happening. Even though life is not leading anywhere, it seems as if the person living a life in time, does evolve. There is more and more seeing through old beliefs, there is more learning and growing. There is less identifying with the belief in ‘me’ and more and more seeing the nature and limitation of thought. In the daily life of this person, life is lived in more and more of a free and open way, even though paradoxically there is no person here at all!
Seeing this paradox that there is no one here to evolve, and that there seems to be an evolution for someone, is really living on the knife’s edge. Before, when a personal ‘me’ was believed in, any evolution was ‘my’ learning, dealing with ‘my’ problems, and getting closer to a goal of being more free for ‘me’. There was still so much safety in knowing that the root belief in ‘me’ was never really challenged. Dealing with any psychological issues or conditioning never really got to the root of it all. This root belief in ‘me’, held up all the other beliefs about ‘me’. All these beliefs about ‘me’ act as limitations and definitions that make it feel safer to stay in the cosy dream and avoid the fact that there is no one actually here.
For example, it feels much safer to believe that I am my parents’ daughter, rather than recognizing that beyond this belief, I have no ties to anyone or anything. Recognising this, then allows me to start to see that all my stories about my relationship and history with my parents have no real hold on who I am, because I am not even really their daughter. Then there can be a playing out as if there is a relationship to parents, all the while knowing that it is not serious and meaningful. In recognizing that there is no ‘me’ here at all, this allows the beliefs that support this ‘me’ to be seen through as well. This enables the living of the daily life to be more and more unburdened. There is no end to this unraveling of beliefs that come up in all areas of the daily life. Thought recreates a ‘me’ and then it is seen through again and again. Free-falling more and more in each moment.
No trying is necessary for this continuous unraveling. No effort is needed at all. It all happens by itself. This is another paradox. If you recognize that there is no one actually in control of what is happening, then you see with wonder and surprise how life reveals itself more and more. You may go to a retreat where there is an intensive investigation into beliefs, or you may be in a relationship or a job where your beliefs about yourself are constantly being challenged. Life may take more and more of what you thought was safe and certain, away from you, and each time there is less and less ground to stand on. This strip-tease of life is not particularly comfortable. Any comfort zone is temporary. But knowing that it is all out of your hands, means that there is no point in fighting it and creating even more discomfort. There is simply losing more and more, and seeing that you never had anything in the first place.
This unraveling frees up the person to be exactly as she is. She is no longer so restricted by old ideas of how she should be. There is more and more falling in love with herself as she is, which paradoxically means that she changes and loses more and more of what she thought she was. As there are less and less beliefs about ‘me’, paradoxically, she blossoms as an individual in her daily life. She is a unique expression in this play of life. Seeing that there is no escape from pain and discomfort, the waves of life are ridden and there is no longer the belief that any of it means anything about ‘me’. Again and again thought is seen for what it is, and that there is nothing to hold on to. Recognising that the play of life is unfolding, in time and yet is absolutely timeless.
Paradoxically, Nothing is unconditionally full of everything. Emptiness is completely and utterly in love with whatever is appearing in it. Absolute Presence plays as the evolution of time. The unmanifest dances as the manifest. There is no separation between these two lovers. The love song of Nothing longing to know itself as something, plays out in the life of an individual person. Thoughts and beliefs sing this song and are very mesmerizing and seductive just like any love song can be. Seeing myself defined like this and like that. Playing as this person in this role. But recognizing the paradox of it all is seeing the nature of this love song, and no longer fighting it or being mesmerized by it, but instead joining in and singing out loud.
Unmani, October 2012